Just Like That

Summer vacation has ended and, with it, seemingly the end of an era. When school started this year, I sent my last little sidekick off on his own adventure.

We spent the last couple weeks of summer rejigging bedtimes and schedules so the kids wouldn’t be walking zombies on their first day back. It was an interesting transition for all of us. 3 kids, 3 different bedtimes and night schedules. As we got closer and closer to the first day of classes, my little dude was becoming increasingly uncomfortable with the idea of being in school full time. One night as I was tucking him into bed, he sat up, crossed his arms and declared that there was NO WAY I could MAKE him go to school. I went head to head with him and as I threw questions his way, he tossed back answers at me:
Aren’t you excited to see you friends again? Sure.
All the grade one teachers are awesome! Who do you think you’ll get? They’re not Mrs. G. I want her again.
What about your fancy new indoor shoes? You’ll finally get to wear them! I don’t want them. You wear them.
Ooooh you get to stay at school for lunch and order hot lunch! All my lunches with you are better. And they’re hot.
You’ll get to have 3 whole recesses! Lucky! I get all day recess at home.
You get 2 trips to the library now! So what? We have books here.
You get to play in the field at recess like the rest of the big kids. That’s pretty cool. I’d rather play in the backyard on the trampoline. The field is boring.
You get to run in the Terry Fox Run this year! You wanted to do that so bad last year. I run everywhere. I don’t need a special day at school to run.

As you can see, he wasn’t buying what I was selling. These were things he’d been so excited about just days earlier, so I knew there had to be more at play here. At this point I had nothing to lose so I decided to switch tactics.

“You know what buddy? You don’t need to start school next week. Don’t sweat it.” He sat up a little straighter and looked at me sideways. I had his attention. “Come to think of it, I don’t know if you’re ready for full day school. But it’s okay, because there’s always lots we can do around here. You can help me with the house stuff and I really need someone to organize all my mail outs for my clients. Oooh, maybe I’ll hire you as my personal assistant!” His eyebrows raise as he considers what I’ve proposed. For a few moments, it was quiet.

Finally, he climbed over to me and into my lap. As he played with my hair, he said, “Momma, I do want to go to school. I do want to see my friends, meet my new teacher and stay at school for lunch sometimes. But I’m scared.”

I gave him a big squeeze and said, “Ahhh ok. I get that. It’s a pretty big change. Would you like to tell me what’s got you scared?” He nodded as he continued to twirl my hair around his fingers. He was scared his teacher wouldn’t like him (crazy, because he’s adorable and well behaved), afraid his friends won’t be in his class, typical 5 year old stuff. And then he hit me with a sack of hammers.

“I don’t want you to be lonely momma. You will be all alone and that makes me sad and scared.” My heart melted. I mean, come on. You know those moments when you’re questioning why someone would ever allow you to procreate? Have you ever found yourself in a situation that needs a grown up to handle it so you look around, trying to find one and then you realize that YOU are in fact a grown up? So then you start looking for someone who seems to be more of a grown up than you? You spend countless hours wondering what your kids are going to tell their therapist some day, what kind of medication and counseling they’re going to need to undo everything you thought you were doing right in the moment when you thought you had your shit together.

And then there are these moments. The moments that come, not always consistently or close together, and you realize that maybe you’re not doing such a bad job after all. My goal has always been to raise my monsters to be good humans, kind, contributing members of society that find a balance between giving and taking. Humans that lend a hand to a human in need instead of reaching for their phone to video something that may give them 15 seconds of fame or notoriety. Empathetic souls that work hard to make our world a better place for everyone.

On the first day of school, we walk through the front doors together. He’s holding my hand so tightly my fingers are turning white. We find out which class he’s in and we make out way to his classroom. We go in, hang up his coat and he puts his indoor sneakers on. He finds his name on the desk that is to be his for the whole school year, he put his back pack on top of it and then turns to me. I kneel down so I’m eye level and say, “I think it’s time for me to go so you can get on with your school day little man.”

He wraps his arms around me and buries his face in my neck and just squeezes me for a minute. As he pulls away and looks at me with his big blue eyes, his forehead creases with worry. “Are you sure you’re gonna be okay momma?”

“You bet buddy. I promise I’ll be good.” He gives me a big smooch and I walk back to the classroom door. I turn to smile one more time and he gives me a double thumbs up with a silly smile and blows me a kiss.

Just like that, my last little one was off on his journey of full-day school. It was the last first time for the first day of grade one. I could easily spin out here, but I think I’ll save that for another time.