Moving On

I made a decision this week that surprised me a bit. As much as I practice it, the simple act of saying goodbye to the things that don’t serve you can still be difficult. The good news in this is that releasing those things is a huge act of self love and I’m really trying to be better at showing myself that love.

I was part of an organization that helped make the holiday season a bit brighter for disadvantaged youth in a few cities around my province. We put on a stage production that the kids and families got to attend in a beautiful theatre at no cost to them. After the shows were done, we would head out to the theatre lobby and spend some time meeting the kids, taking pictures with them and signing autographs. Every hug, smile and shy blown kiss will forever remain imprinted on my heart and soul. Some people would hang around for a long time, waiting for the crowd to die down so they’d have the chance to chat with us. The stories they shared have stayed with me and some have even caused sleepless nights.

The organization gave regular people the chance to get up on stage and do something they never dreamed of having the chance to do. It gave people the chance to be a part of something that impacted the community in a really big way. It brought awareness to how much some of these kids and families were struggling. Literal blood, sweat and tears would go into every show as the costumes were sewed, the sets were created and the characters came to life. Every single time, about a month prior to our first show, a small panic would set in as we wondered if we would be ready for the first curtain call. Somehow, it came together every year.

It created happiness. It created love. It inspired passion, talent and drive. It brought unlikely people together and gave them a common goal, a greater purpose. It became a fall time and holiday season tradition. Being a part of this challenged me and changed me and I didn’t even realize the extent of it until now.

When we finished our last show 3 years ago, our volunteers, while appreciated and loved, were tired. The commitment to be a part of this team was steep at times, but it was a labour of love. Unfortunately, the time had come to hit the pause button. The demands to raise funds, find sponsors and then people to handle it all had hit an all time high because of the momentum we had worked to create the previous season. The decision was made to take a year off and then see where we ended up. Seeing that written on a screen makes it sound so easy, but the decision was an excruciating one. Tears were shed, arguments were happening and it was all because, while no one wanted it to be this way, we didn’t have the resources to continue on.

Fast forward to a year ago (2 years after our last show), some people stepped forward to attempt to breathe some life back into it. They came in with huge hope and a vision for what the future could look like. I admire them for what they brought forward because it is certainly noble. As they brought more people to the table, I found myself disconnecting from it all. Perhaps it was the brashness of some of their new team members or maybe it was because I was stuck in a place where I wanted to be excited for the potential future, but was clinging to the memory of the past. They made a promise to honour old traditions, but in my heart of hearts I knew the new direction they were going in wasn’t going to allow for that.

After a lot of thought and soul searching, I made the decision to resign. I’ve known for a while that it would come to this, but I didn’t want to make any snap decisions so I decided to meditate on it, open the decision up to the Universe. During my second session, it came through clear as day. So I made the call, sent the email and it was done. Almost immediately, it felt like a weight had been lifted off my soul, but what followed for the next couple of days really took me by surprise.

I found myself sad, near tears at points. I was confused as hell because I knew it was the right choice. What I hadn’t thought of was how it would feel once I released myself from it. I didn’t take into account the fact that, even though it was exactly what needed to happen, it was a loss and I needed to really honour those feelings. I loved that organization. I loved what it stood for. The future for it remains to be seen and I hope they are able to accomplish all they set out to, but I never wanted to be a contributing factor for them not experiencing success.

Time will heal this for me. I will always cherish the memories, friendships and cup-filling experience it was. The sadness will lighten a little every day and it will be replaced with immense gratitude for all that made it what it was.

Do all things with love. If you find you cannot, move aside and make room for those who can. And remember to remain grateful.