Me Too

You may have noticed the recent viral hashtag #metoo. It was followed up with these instructions: “If all the women who have been sexually harassed or assaulted wrote #metoo as a status, we might give people a sense that of the magnitude of the problem. I am scrolling and scrolling and seeing this post over and over. Copy and paste to spread awareness.” While I appreciate the intent behind the movement, there are a couple additional things I’d like to draw attention to as well.

Number 1: I understand that this issue is seemingly more prevalent for women, but there are many men out there who are also victims of sexual harassment or sexual assault. And sexual harassment/assault against men is reported a helluva lot less than those same crimes against women. Instead of widening the gap between men and women, why don’t we attempt to unite on something as soul crushing as this? I fully support shedding light on this alarming epidemic, but it’s not about who it happens to more. It’s the simple fact THAT IT HAPPENS AT ALL that is the problem.

These incidents bring each victim into a space of shame, not wanting to share their story because of the likely comments that ensue.
“She was probably asking for it, walking around dressed like that.”
“What a pussy. Can he call it assault when we know he liked it?”
“She’s a slut. What did she expect was going to happen?”
“You can’t sleep your way to the top.”
“She was begging for it.”
“Who would have sex with that?!”
“Someone needs to revoke his man card.”
“I’d fuck that.”
Catcalls.
Whistles.
Inappropriate staring, sneering.

Clearly, these are not my thoughts and feelings on the matter, but they’re comments I’ve heard others make. Comments I’ve seen on social media. Sadly, our society is normalizing and perpetuating rape culture. It’s everywhere. TV, movies, magazines, social media, walking down the street anywhere. Crazy thing is that until we stop buying into it, it’s never going to go away. It sounds so simple, but I know it’s not. I’m almost having an out of body experience right now. Why do I even need to write about this? Do the people in our world seriously need to be told that their fellow humans don’t deserve this?? People think it’s even remotely bloody acceptable to do or say anything like this to another person? Come ON people.

If someone is brave and courageous enough to come to you and share their story, offer a space of love and comfort. Don’t judge them because of who they are, how they dress or talk. No one, at any time in any place, deserves to be made uncomfortable because someone feels like being an inappropriate ass to them.

Number 2: Survivors don’t owe you their story. There are still a few people left in this world that choose not to make their business public record. It is alarming how many people are affected by this. The question I have is this: What fucking good is awareness if we’re not going to change anything?

Have you ever tried to report an offense to the authorities, a boss? The line of questioning needs to change. It’s more of an interrogation than it is a safe space to report a threat. Or maybe you’ve been lucky and have been supported through that process. All I know for sure is that the question, “Was anything done on your part to let them know their advances weren’t welcome?” isn’t welcome in a situation like that. More often than not, the default response is victim-shaming. It’s despicable. So how do we work to change that?

As for my story, it’s mine.

Memories that feel so real I wake up in a cold sweat. I don’t owe you an explanation.

The fact that I get nervous in empty places and keep hearing noises behind me. I don’t want to #hashtag about it.

The reality that certain fragrances that waft by in the air make the little hairs on the back of my neck stand up and my eyes go wide. I don’t need you to know.

I’m not comfortable walking far distances alone, even in broad daylight. You don’t need to know why.

No one owes anyone an explanation. Until everyone in the world realizes that just because they can doesn’t mean they should, nothing will really ever change. Victims will stay silent because they don’t want to be seen or treated differently. They will deal in their own way. And those that believe they have the right to say, do, touch and have whatever they feel like will continue on.

Now that you know what you know from all that you’ve seen on your newsfeeds, what are you going to do about it? How are you going to help? What will you do differently? What changes will you make going forward? Ask yourself this question: Are you more offended by reading the word “fuck” twice (well three times now I guess) in this blog or by the fact that rape is part of our culture? Or maybe the fact it’s affected so many people you know? Where do you aim your righteous indignation?

Take a good look in the mirror. What have you done to perpetuate our society’s current behavior? Better yet, what have you done to stop it? Does the amount of people you’ve seen in your social circle affect how relevant this is to you? Or will tomorrow just be another day? If you choose not to be a part of the solution, then you’re part of the problem.

The piece that we need to further explore is that of the attackers. Shine the light on the SOBs that did it and those who stood by silently and let it happen.

Survivors don’t owe you their story.