To Rest

Today we gave you back to the earth. We released the last physical pieces of your adorable humanness back to the Universe. It was a beautiful day that you would have loved and hated. Gorgeous sunny day, fresh mountain air. The people that lived closest to your heart. And a lot of fuss about you. That’s the part you wouldn’t have liked. You took us out for dinner one last time, we raised a glass to you and we even let you pay the bill with no arguments. Drove me nuts that you always tried to get the check first to pay it. 

I have spent a lot of time being quiet and observing, on this day and over the last 18 months. Throughout this entire process, I’ve learned a lot about people and how they process what they’re going through simply by watching and listening. In no particular order, here are a few… 

• People remember the version of a story that they can live with. 
• Regret takes many forms and I see in real-time how it haunts people.
• Not everyone will do the right things for the right reasons. Or even the right things for the wrong reasons. It’s not up to me to police any of it because I’ll never be the one they have to look at in the mirror each day.
• Having boundaries does not make me selfish.
• Boundaries are in the eye of the boundary holder.
• Just because it’s important to me doesn’t mean it’s important to someone else.
• Inappropriate is inappropriate. #sorrynotsorry
• Don’t discount the power and healing in a hug.
• Quiet isn’t synonymous with cold or ambivalence. 
• You can forgive someone for you and you don’t need to tell anyone about it. Forgiveness isn’t about anyone other than you. It’s giving yourself permission to let go and move forward. (Likely an entire blog coming about this)
• You don’t need to agree with or like every one you’re related to.
• You can’t make every one happy.
• Nature is healing and so good for the soul.
• I am grateful that I had you for so many moments and so many years.
• It feels like I’ve been holding my breath for 18 months. 
• I realized that it’s ok not to share my Us story.

There were so many little light-bulb moments that I had today and so much I’ve learned since you moved on. I mean, I was aware of most and have talked about them on more than one occasion, but for some reason this particular snapshot in time brought a lot into focus for me. And it also made me see that I need to step back and unfollow some peeps online and in life.

There have been these moments of “normalcy” where there is smiling, laughter and life. And suddenly a memory would flash or a song would play or a scent would hit my nose and I was gut punched with the grief again. It’s weird how that happens. 

I think of you daily, especially when something awesome or hilarious happens. I reach to call you, sometimes I even dial the number. Each time I head to the grocery store, my subconscious reminds me to check if there’s anything you need me to pick up. You continue to live in all these normal moments. 

18 months to the day. Seems strange but I didn’t realize the significance of the actual date until I was sitting on the side of the mountain. I had a really hard time leaving the mountain today. There’s this weird part of me that feels like I’ve left you behind. I felt the same way the day we gave Papa back. The truth is you are both everywhere I go, with me in everything I do. 

I miss you like crazy. Rest sweetly.