Ode To 2020

Well, I suppose it’s time to talk about 2020. I’ve done my best to avoid giving it too much air time, but I can’t avoid it anymore. The time has come to reflect and review and I can’t do that without talking about the metaphorical dumpster fire in the room. 

Before we get started, I want to be crystal clear that this is not a space for debate. You are 100% entitled to feel whatever way you need to feel about the state of affairs. I am speaking of my experience during this time and things that have worked for me. If that upsets you or makes you uncomfortable, you are free to move along and I wish you light and love. We be cool. 

This year, I’ve run an emotional marathon. Actually, I’ve run a metric crap ton of them. The ways I have felt in 2020 include, but are not limited to: grateful, heavy, emotionally overwhelmed, grief, guilt of all kinds, helpless, safe, trapped, confused, angry, content, settled, comfortable, anxious, calm, sad, numb, drained, frustrated, uncomfortable, disconnected, loved, tired, removed, fatigued, hopeless, braindead, happy, joyful, peaceful, ambivalent, aware, strong, enlightened. As I look at that list, I should add exhausted. It’s crazy to think that so many of those happened daily. There were moments I would shower just to cry it out. Anyone else ever feel like standing in the water washes away all the things that weigh you down? Tears, anger, frustration, grief. It all just goes down the drain. You stand there for as long as it takes to just wash away. Or until the water gets cold, whichever happens first. 

Things that have helped me during this season have included, but are not limited to and are in no particular order: fizz sticks, time in nature, reading, proper nutrition, ice cream, writing, my tribe of friends, fizz sticks, community of amazing people, strawberries, movies, random loud dance parties, cookies, weight training, running, walking, baking, memes, gratitude, texting, zooming, driving, Prosecco, awesome neighbours, taking photos, singing, connecting. Oh and fizz sticks. 

There is no right or wrong way to move through this season, but I want you to consider something. Did you use this time to improve some facet of your life? Some soul searching? Did you start a new project or finish an existing one? Have you made a difference in the life of someone else? This is definitely my first time in a chapter like this, but I have learned over the years that the time will always pass. How it passes it up to us. If you think about it, have we ever had a moment in our LIFETIME where there is literally nowhere to be and nowhere to run off to? It’s a little baffling to me still.  There were a few things that I’ve spent some time running from that I came face to face with in 2020. It was time to do some serious work on my heart, mind and soul. And the actual outside. I used to think that if I had just one week of nowhere to go and no commitments to fulfill that I could clean out all the nooks and crannies in the house. Turns out time wasn’t the problem for that. 

When this year started, I had plans for it. So many people did. Then we had to pivot. And, based on my astute observations of folks sharing their thoughts and feelings on social media, that was perceived as a mostly bad thing. I obviously can’t speak to anyone’s experience except my own, but can we take a second to truly marvel at what a remarkable thing we all did this year? The changes we worked through and with. The adjustments we made in a short time were pretty incredible and I really want you to acknowledge and be proud of what you were able to do. Seriously. I realize that there have been challenges of all shapes and sizes and holy shit, you made it out the other side. I am so, SO proud of you. 

I want you to be able to look back at 2020 and see it as a year of transformational change. I want you to see it as the year you went up against incredible odds and obstacles and came out the other side a total fucking warrior. Challenges are MEANT to change us because there is something we need from it. I’ve come to think of it in terms of building a muscle. Facing a challenge takes courage and courage is a muscle that gets stronger the more you use it. In order for muscle tissue to grow and get stronger, we work it. We break it down to build it up. It has always sounded counter productive to me, but I’ve grown to truly understand it well over the course of this year. 

I’ve seen so many posts on social of people saying ‘it doesn’t look or feel the same’, ‘it’s not how we normally celebrate’ and (the most popular by far) ‘fuck you COVID’. Why is it that our first instinct with so many things is to go to war with it, fighting the change? I’m simply suggesting that we see it from a different angle. 

It’s ok to have had a year with challenge and change.

It’s ok to have feelings about it all.

It’s ok that you set and hit goals.

It’s ok that you reset your goals.

It’s ok to binge watch Netflix. (hello Bridgerton)

It’s ok to read allllllll the books. #booknerd

It’s ok to have treats. 

It’s ok to want to feel good.

It’s ok if you want to work out. 

It’s ok if you don’t.

It’s ok if you want to eat right. 

It’s ok to strive for balance.

It’s ok to be alone. 

It’s ok to be with people. 

It’s ok to need/want to talk to someone about it all. 

Every single way you feel and all the things you do are ok and good and great IF it’s what works for you. IF it takes you to the next step. IF it doesn’t set you back. IF it doesn’t hurt or harm you. You are important, loved and needed.

Having a sense of humour, dry or otherwise, has really seen me through parts of this year. Friends and family that I’ve been able to laugh with over text or zoom have made a difference every single day. I hope I’ve done a good job of letting them know that. It’s one of the things on my list for 2021.

As we move forward into 2021, we all have some decisions to make about how we’re going to live these next 12 months. What is this year of our lives going to mean when we look back on it all?