The Time You Thought I Said No

On Friday my son and I went out and had an awesome day! Looked at fountains, went driving, did a bit of shopping (Christmas is coming you know), played cars and transformers and had lunch together. I love taking the time to see the world through his eyes because it is so darn cool.

One of my friends once said to me that her job is not to raise children. It is to raise tiny adults that will one day become big adults and contributing members of our society. I loved it when she said it and I still love it to this day. It comes to mind a lot when I’m dealing with these pint sized buckets of terror that are hungry, thirsty, too hot, too cold, overtired, bored, overstimulated and so on. My kids are being raised in the same fashion. The girls, being 8 and 11 years old, are pretty spectacular humans. Most decisions they make are well thought out and they take something with them from each one, be it a good result or a lesson to do better next time. I know girls. I speak their language. Enter my boy. While strangely out of my self-induced comfort zone, it has been an amazing loving and learning experience for us both. I always say that I make up for what I lack in knowledge with boys in quick wit, humor and mounds of positivity. Turns out those three things are SUPER important when you have a son.

What I have come to learn about my little man is that he is one of the sweetest humans I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. He is mischievous, loud, snugly, over dramatic, charismatic, grumpy, smiley, strange…it all fits and somehow manages to work together. We embrace it all. I’ve also come to learn that everything he does, he does with his whole heart. He wears his heart on his sleeve. If he loves you, he is super affectionate and will tell you one hundred times that he loves you with his whole self. If he’s having a day where he’s not feeling so loving, you’ll hear about that too. My pint-sized prince is an emotional being and at the sweet age of not quite 4, he sometimes finds it difficult to put a word to how he’s feeling or to find it within him to control an outburst. He is empathetic, kind, gentle. But in the midst of a breakdown, he loses touch with any type of reasoning abilities. There are two key factors that generally cue up these outbursts in him: Overstimulation and Tired. While I work to ensure that he has down time after fun time and plenty of sleep, sometimes it can be difficult. And when it does, we work through it together. Most of the time, he needs me to get down on his level and pull him into my lap, whispering softly to him that I love him and that it’s all going to be ok while he thrashes and screams. I hold and hug him tightly so neither he or I gets hurt in the process. I can only imagine what it looks like when someone sees it. I feel the eyes of people who think that he’s probably being bad and is getting in trouble or the ones that roll their eyes in my general direction thinking I’m likely just another mom who’s lost control of her kids. I see the unspoken words forming in their heads: Bad Mom, Spoiled Kid, Kid Probably Just Needs A Nap, Brat, Medication, Parenting Fail, Bad Kid, No Discipline. The list goes on. It’s awful to receive them, but delivering one seems almost inexcusable. I’m curious to know if some, most or all boys are like this or go through this sort of stage. No I don’t think anything is wrong, but if I can learn of a better way to help him through these moments, I’m all ears.

When it comes to grown-ups, I find the lack of empathy mind blowing. Every parent has these painstaking moments with their child(ren) so they know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of a meltdown. But instead of an empathetic smile, you get pity eyes that say “I’m so glad that’s not me right now” or the superior down-the-nose look that translates to “I’m such a better parent than you because my kids would never do this to me”. I’m not sure where or how it happened, but parenting wars are at an all time high. Why is there such an extreme need to attempt to prove to the world that you think you are parenting better than everyone else? Quick newsflash for you: we all have days where we win and we have days where we learn. There are days where the homemade cupcakes are iced, decorated and ready for the class to celebrate a birthday and there are days when they’re store bought. There are days when your kid’s clothes match and look good and there are days when they go to school with holes in their socks, grass stains on their knees and in a shirt that should have been passed down to a younger sibling 3 years prior. It’s ok. All of it. It’s called normal life and we all live it.

When you see a child losing his shit somewhere, is your first thought “That kid is being such a brat” or “Oh I’ve been there. It’s ok mom/dad. You’re doing a great job”? Most default to the first one sadly. As parents, we should be locking arms. What happened to the It Takes A Village theory? Why judge someone for making a choice that is different from yours? We all have different ways of coping with situations, who’s to say what’s right and what wrong. Funny thing about all of this is that the fruits of our labor won’t fully come to light until our children are older and they come face to face with some big life choices.

I’ve had two very different experiences recently:

When we were in Disney a couple weeks ago, Mr D and I were in line for the new Seven Dwarfs ride with my dad and his GF’s niece. At about the halfway mark, it was like someone had flipped a switch and he began the quick descent into a meltdown. Yes he was tired, it was more than a little hot and Disney can definitely put you into sensory overload. Honestly it was inevitable. As my own frustration climbed, I took a deep breath and sat down on the ground in the middle of the line, pulled him into my lap and began to whisper to him while I rocked back and forth. As the line moved, I bum-scooted forward and continued what I was doing. While it took a good 10 minutes for him to calm down, I never once felt the judgement-filled gazes from people around me. I felt compassion, empathy. Once or twice I looked up to determine the mood around our situation and all I saw was smiling eyes that were telling me it was ok and to take our time. I felt acceptance, not rushed. And because I didn’t feel rushed, I wasn’t trying to hurry him through his cycle. When were done, we dried his eyes, hugged it out and got ready to head on an awesome ride. The woman standing behind me in line tapped me on the shoulder, smiled and whispered, “You’re doing a good job mama.” Tears instantly appeared in my eyes as I returned her smile and whispered a very shaky “Thank you”.

And then there was Friday. Like I said, we were out and about having some fun today. We had reached the point in the day where I knew I was on borrowed time because we were quickly approaching the downtime hour. I went against every warning bell and decided to make a quick stop in at the grocery store to grab a couple things on our way home. As we entered the store, I asked the same question I always ask: Do you want to ride or walk? He opted to be in the captain’s seat and direct me on our quest for groceries. Everything started out nicely and we were closing in on home time. We got to the milk coolers in the back and he asked if he could walk, to which I said yes. As I put the milk in the cart and turned to head to the till, I noticed he wasn’t moving. There was a noticeable mood shift as his eyes darkened so I quickly dropped down to his level and held his hands. I asked, “You need a hug little man?” He nodded quickly with tears in his eyes and I as hugged him, I felt the emotional wave start to take over. But this time was different. He wasn’t pulling away or swinging and kicking. I sat down on the floor in front of the milk coolers and pulled him into my lap as he sobbed. I hugged him and whispered in his ear that everything was ok and that I loved him as we rocked back and forth. He is not a quiet crier which is ok with us, but I felt the eyes of people as some walked by and some actually stopped to watch. I never gave them the satisfaction of looking up and taking on their judgement, not even when I heard one woman say, “Spoiled little shit probably just needs a spank.” My focus was on helping my son out the other side. As he began to calm down, I put his little face in my hands and asked, “How can I help you? Can you tell me how you’re feeling?” His big blue eyes met mine as tears were streaming down his face and he answered, “I just miss my Uncle Tom mommy. I’m sad.” I hugged him tight as tears sprung to my eyes and whispered “Me too.”

Every other person in the store just melted away as I sat and held my grieving boy. You see, last year our family went through a very rough patch when we lost 2 family members about a week apart. We were all shattered. As adults we compartmentalize our emotions, be that good or bad. We weep in the shower or while doing dishes. It’s private. Children don’t do that, nor should they be expected to. There is no time limit on grief. There is no “proper” way to cope. But more on that in a future post.

When the wave had passed, he gave me a big kiss on the cheek and told me he loved me. We stood up, dusted off our bums and continued on our way. We paid for our groceries, hopped in the car and headed for home for a good snuggle.

Here’s what I know. Most people that witnessed the scene in the store probably figured that I had said no to something he asked for and he was having a tantrum. I also know that it was easier to walk by than to stop and offer help. Easier to frown at me like we were interrupting your day instead of offering kindness through a smile. To the woman that felt the need to share her thoughts, I hope someday you find it in your heart to offer help instead of judgement.

Kids are allowed to have happy, moody, good and bad days. As parents we sometimes manage to put these expectations on our kids that they need to be happy and in a good mood when it’s convenient for us as adults. I don’t know about the rest of you grown ups, but I know my moods don’t always line up with someone else’s idea of what they want me to be. And we need to be easier on each other. In a world where connection has never been easier, we’ve really never been farther apart.

My advice, whether you choose to take it or not is this: Choose love. Choose support, grace and empathy. These choices will take you further than any judgement ever will.