The Consummate Perfectionist

Ahhhh 2016, you’ve arrived. Welcome! I have big plans for you as I’m sure many do. But be warned, I will follow through. I’d like to be friends with you, work together with mutual love and respect. However if that’s not your plan for me, may I suggest you rewrite your story or take a seat and watch mine unfold. This is going to be the most incredible cycle and I can’t have you attempting to ram your preconceived notions about me down my throat. Maybe take a picture because I guarantee you won’t recognize me when we say goodbye at the end of our 12 months together.

I’ve been seeing a ton of people posting about resolutions they have set up for this year. I personally don’t believe much in resolutions. The definition of a resolution is to take action to solve a problem, dispute or contentious matter. So the way I see it, to make a resolution is to say that you have a problem that needs a solution. Why start a brand new year that way? The last few days before the new year begins is a time of reflection for so many. How far you’ve come, how far you still want to go. The books you’ve read and the ones you’re excited to dive into. The people who have come and stayed and the ones that have moved on. I choose to see things like this as opportunities for growth, for goals, for movement.

Confession Alert: I am a recovering perfectionist. I say recovering because it’s something I have spent so many years living with that it will take some time to undo that way of thinking and being. There is a misconception when it comes to the term perfection. Some see it as a person who has a need to do everything right the first time and then some. It’s viewed as an unrelenting pursuit of top grades, performance accolades, the greatest meal, well behaved kids, an exquisite ensemble, hair all in its place, make up on point, societally proper body, just the right shape, height and weight. A perfectionist mindset is incredibly self-destructive and addictive. You constantly reach for this “perfect” something or other and the bar is constantly being moved. You begin to believe that you are what you achieve and without achievement, you feel worthless. Did you know that perfectionist behaviors have been linked to depression, anxiety and addiction disorders? I learned that gem the hard way. Because “perfect” is ever changing, perfectionists struggle with never feeling good enough. Let’s dig a little deeper.

It’s come to my attention that I seek approval from those around me, a few particular people actually. I came to that discovery the other night while brushing my teeth and I damn near choked on my toothbrush. I’m not sure where the thought came from, but there it was. I’m going to ask you to stay with me here because the discoveries are in the details so bear with me while we work through this together. When I took a closer look at it, perfectionist behavior has been a part of me for a number of years. It’s definitely evolved over time. Many years ago, it was a broader spectrum that went hand in hand with people pleasing and that constant need for acceptance and approval took me down some dark paths that I hope to write about sometime soon. Nowadays, I seek it out from a very select few and it’s a behavior that I’m working hard to modify. Just because it looks good on the outside doesn’t mean it feels right on the inside.

It’s hard to find peace, comfort and happiness when you allow other people’s opinions and behavior to influence your way of being. There’s a saying that says you’re only as fast as the slowest member of your tribe and this is somewhat the same in the sense that you only allow yourself to be as content/happy/peaceful as the least content/happy/peaceful person in your circle. In a situation like this with a perfectionist mindset, I would be the one working to bring up that vibration for everyone else.

The need for perfection has affected my confidence in many things over the years. Writing, singing, public speaking, taking chances, making THAT phone call, sending the nail-biter email, saying yes or no to something. I’ve needed constant validation that it was good or great before I ever took action. And considering I put myself in some seriously scary, opportunity-for-growth scenarios over the past two years, that need and desire seems so ridiculous to me. I wouldn’t have chased those chances down if I didn’t think I was enough or been given certain opportunities if someone else didn’t think I was good enough. I suppose that’s the thing about personal growth though: the teacher arrives when the student is ready.

Perfectionism stifles creativity. I think I’ve begun to feel the same way about resolutions. If I set a goal and I’m taking action towards it, to me that’s so much more positive than coming up with a butt load of resolutions that generally don’t make it past the first two weeks of January. But maybe I’m just splitting hairs, who knows.

To work on getting away from my perfectionist behaviors, I need to believe from the depths of my soul that I am enough. Enough is GOOD! That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t work to be better, but some days it’s good to be good! That desire of perfection is the absolute enemy of getting things done. I’m guilty of (and I see others become trapped by it ALL the time) waiting for the perfect time to begin something or the perfect topic to write about or the perfect day to go do something. Why? Why wait? If you’re waiting for a sign, this is it. The stars won’t align. Choirs won’t sing. People won’t know your name. Your passions and talents won’t be shared with the world until you begin.

I made this particular discovery during a period of time when there was really nowhere to run to so I focused on making sure I was giving my best to whatever I was doing. If it was game time or some sort of family activity, it had my whole attention. There was no running to answer a ringing phone or an incoming text or email. If it was visiting time with some of our extended family, that’s where the focus was. And when it was work time, my clients and work tasks had my eyes, ears and mind. When it was time to write, I wrote. Yes I know this isn’t rocket science, but it’s harder to practice than you think. As I work to break my perfectionist habits, I’m learning to reframe many different things. Multitasking with madness is part of that. I will always be a multitasker, but I’m finding that if I’m multitasking my way through everything, nothing really gets 100% of me, I spread myself too thin and end up feeling completely overwhelmed and being unproductive at everything. So I schedule my time and I stick with it. Mostly. I am a work-in-progress after all. I’m learning to say no to the things that aren’t serving me instead of always saying yes, fitting it in and staying in my madness mindset. Slowly and steadily, I will break down that perfectionist persona. It’s like chipping away at years of heavy, protective armor. Pretty sure I’m down at least a decade worth of weight.

As I release my grip on my need for everything to be perfect, I’m learning to say goodbye. Goodbye to the idea of who I thought I was supposed to be so I am free to be who I already am. Goodbye to the lingering ghosts of my past that have been with me for years, whispering that I’m not good enough to hit a goal I set or that constantly remind me that to be great or magnificent is just out of my reach. Goodbye to the confines of my fears. Goodbye to the disappointments I’ve faced that I have allowed to become setbacks and roadblocks. Goodbye to failure because it doesn’t exist. Goodbye to the toxic relationships that feel comfortable. It’s time to start a new chapter in my story and these characters have effectively been killed off.

Set goals, not resolutions. Do one thing a day that scares you. Try something new once a week. Make a phone call instead of sending a text. Connect with someone new. Do something that makes YOU happy. The longer you wear the shackles of your past as jewelry the more outfits you’ll find that go with them. It’s time to shatter a few glass ceilings. The only way to fail in anything is to give up so turn around, face your fears and blow through them until they’re nothing more than a laughable memory. You have the power to make 2016 anything you want. You are the one holding the pen so decide what story you are ready to write and share with the world.

“Imperfection is beauty. Madness is genius. And it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.” – Oscar Wilde

“Experience is simply the name we gives our mistakes.” – Oscar Wilde