Playing Favourites

I was recently told that I play favourites. Since I feel like that is a pretty bold statement, I really wanted to dig into it. I’m positive you’ve heard me say this before, but I’ll say it again in the spirit of clarity: We don’t always see things as they are. We see things the way WE are. All I mean is that 2 people can be seeing or hearing the exact same thing at the exact same time, but based on how they think and feel, they will each experience it differently. Perception and perspective is about you, not the situation. I hope that makes sense. 

As kids, it’s easy to believe that the people in your life play favourites with you and your siblings. Every time you don’t get your way or someone else is given something you want, you decide it’s because that person doesn’t like you or they are favouring someone over you. Most of the time you don’t even recognize the thought until the words are coming out of your mouth. It’s like your mouth is moving and sound is coming out before you’ve even had a chance to think about the words. It can be how you process things at younger ages and it’s normal. I remember feeling that way growing up because my perspective was limited to what was important to me at that time in my life (spoiler alert: I was what was important to me). I’d get in trouble for something and somehow the argument would always round over to me accusing my parents of loving my brother more because he was their favourite. Interestingly, this is sometimes where the “I’m not enough” starts to appear. But that’s a topic for another time.

As a mom, I’ve waited for all that behaviour to start, but my kids don’t really get into stuff like that. Sometimes they’ll make comments about one of them being the favourite, but they have each realized that the title of “My Favourite” tends to change based on who is being the least amount of a pain in my ass at that point in time. I’m kidding…mostly.

All 3 of my kids are so different from each other, you’d almost swear they came from different sets of parents. Because of that, my relationship with each of them is drastically different. I love that they have leaned into being true to the things they love and embracing their individuality. They have really come into doing what feels right for them and the greatest benefit to this is that there is no competition between them. And even though they’re siblings and they bicker about stupid crap, they love and support each other so hard. A win for one is a win for all. They are each my favourite for sure.

As an adult, my perspective has shifted. It’s my belief that everyone has relationships in their lives that are…easier…simpler…more organic than others. They evolve naturally. They take less work. I’ve got a couple besties that I love and adore wildly. If they happen to stop by (announced or unexpectedly) and my house looks like it’s been ransacked during a robbery, they pretend not to notice and I no longer apologize for the disaster. We love each other and don’t expect perfection. Life happens. Just love and respect. And Prosecco. It helps calm the chaos. There’s little-to-no expectation with these guys. We hold space for each to be exactly who we are and we celebrate the hell out of it. 

Then you’ve got other relationships that you think SHOULD feel that way, but don’t. Maybe when these peeps drop in, you find yourself apologizing for the chaos, smiling through the kids and their fighting. These relationships may require more effort sometimes. Definitely more patience. It doesn’t mean that one is better than the other, just different. Different is great. BUT (I know you knew this was coming) it is human nature to gravitate to the things that feel good and that tend to be less work. 

Let’s just call a spade a spade. Of course I have/play favourites. I don’t call it that or think of it that way, but it is what it is I suppose. And the truth, whether you admit it or not, is that you do too. As a parent, grandparent, friend, sibling, whatever. It’s normal and ok. I know you’re thinking that you love everyone equally (can you feel me rolling my eyes) and I’m sure you do. BUT you have a PREFERENCE when it comes to who you like to spend your time with. Or talk to. And there’s nothing wrong with that. It isn’t, nor should it be a bad or negative thing.

My advice, take it or leave it. If you want to evolve some of the relationships in your life from one to the other then you’ll need to quit placing your own expectations on other people, especially when you don’t clearly communicate what you want or need. I absolutely promise you that this will sink you every time.

Love well. Do good. Be kind. Don’t be a shitty human. Spend your time with people that feel like sunshine and be the sunshine for others. And for the love of all that is good and beautiful in our world, please respect the boundaries that people set for you.