Finding Grace

How is it that another year has come and gone? Looking back, it appears as though I missed my 2018 look back,  but there was good reason for it. If you’ve followed my blog, you’ve likely read the story that finished my 2018 and started my 2019. If you’re new here, welcome. You can hit up the archives and get all caught up. Grab some 3-ply tissues tho, it’ll tug at your heart.

I guess that means I’m a little late to the year-in-review party. Or maybe I’m right on time. All about perspective, right?  As a creative-type person (when it comes to writing) ideas hit me when they feel like I’m ready for them. At least that’s how I’ve come to understand it. And that’s even why my writing gets so sporadic sometimes. There have been times when I can’t keep up with the flow of thoughts and ideas and there are other times when I can barely put a sentence together. For the times that I can’t keep up, I started a list. Some of the thoughts on there are 2 years old. Sometimes a thought will grab me and not let go until the piece is written. It’s bizarre really, but there are some ideas that flow so well that I can’t bear to interrupt it and I HAVE to finish it before I can do literally anything else. I started writing this one around the beginning of December, but my train of though clearly had other plans.

If I’m being honest, I feel like I took an absolute shit-kicking in 2019. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally. In all the -ally ways. Do you remember learning to tread water in swimming lessons? That feeling of strength in the beginning and as the minutes tick by, you find yourself kicking like hell underneath the surface, fighting to stay afloat and your face keeps dipping under? That’s how this entire year felt to me. Every time I started to feel like I could take a step forward, something else went sideways. While I understand that “control” isn’t real, I truly felt like things spiralled continually and I couldn’t manage it. By the time December rolled around, I barely recognized the person staring back at me in the mirror. There were days when I just went through the motions to get through the day. I struggled to find a new normal. Sometimes I even felt like an imposter in my own body. I felt forced to wear a smile on my face because some people couldn’t handle my sadness. But it wasn’t all sad and gloom.

There were some beautiful parts. In the struggles, I redefined strengths and solidified boundaries. I learned (again) to stop taking shit from people in the cheap seats. I cleared space for new beautiful people and experiences to enter. Where the darkness tried to takeover I found hearts to walk beside me, their light illuminating a way forward. I was reminded how much I have to be absolutely grateful for.

In between all of it, do you know what I learned? Grace and compassion. Even though I was hurting, I was healing. Even though I was angry, I was worthy. Even though I was (and am still) heartbroken, I was (and am) loveable. I learned that I need to be gentle with myself and my expectations on me. That it’s ok to take the time I need to be quiet and still, to take a breath. To remember that this situation isn’t permanent. I needed to make peace with the fact that not everyone would understand how or why I was feeling the way I was and that they may not remain a fixture in my life. I learned to love them and let them go. And when I stopped looking to the outside world to fix and accept me and instead focused on listening to my heart, I found peace.

When is the last time you stopped, took a breath and evaluated your position? When did you last look at yourself in the mirror and say “I love you” and “I’m so proud of you”? We are so quick to kick ourselves when we’re down and judge our screw ups, focus on the things we didn’t do. So easily, we forget to appreciate how far we’ve made it, even if it’s only a few steps forward. I judged myself A LOT in 2019 because I was comparing myself, my healing and my progress to ideals that weren’t my own. 

As I forge a new path forward into 2020, the haze is clearing and my heart is continuing to heal. 2019 was transformational in the best and worst ways. I could spend more time wondering why it had to be so hard or I could understand that without the hard, the beautiful wouldn’t seem as magical. I’ve learned (again) that sometimes things don’t happen the way we see it when we close our eyes and we don’t always get to learn the why. At some point, I think we all learn to love (or maybe just like) our lows because, without them, how can we truly appreciate the highs?

When the winds of change blow, bend just enough because it can truly be beautiful. 

“Sometimes in the winds of change we find our true direction” – author unknown