Permission Granted

I feel like this has the potential to get controversial real quick, but I’m ready to roll the dice. There are a few of you out there that will read this and think it’s about you. There are other that will think you wasted your time reading it. Let me be clear: this is for all of you. It’s not about any one person in particular, but a few coping mechanisms I used to lighten the load in my life.

Life is built on and around relationships, both with yourself and other people. Of course they’ve all meant something to me at one time or another, but not all relationships are made to last. There are a small select few that will stand the test of trials and time.

I’ve found that as I’ve gotten older, the amount of me time that I get has been greatly reduced. I’m okay with that because I know it won’t be that way forever. Kids, sports, appointments, work, passions, hobbies. It all takes up time and, as I’m sure you’ve heard me say it before, time is our most precious commodity. Over the years, I’ve gotten pretty selective with whom I choose to spend my me time with. Notice how I say choose. I don’t get forced into anything. I always have the option to accept or decline.

Some relationships fill me with joy and happiness. Others suck the life right out of me. Constantly. Call display is a beautiful and horrendous creation. When I start feeling that way, I drive myself crazy trying to figure out why I don’t just end the relationship. If all parties aren’t satisfied with what’s going on, shouldn’t they speak up? Shouldn’t they have the courage to walk away from it? I wish it was a simple answer. I mean, it SHOULD be. According to my birth certificate, I’m supposedly a fully grown adult. So why does the thought of a conversation like this feel like such a punch in the gut?

I never want to be the cause of hurt or pain for anyone, although it can sometimes be unavoidable. I’m the first to admit that if I’m not a good fit for someone, they shouldn’t shy away from being honest with me. I would much appreciate that over someone pretending.

ASSIGNMENT TIME:
1. I want you to take a long, hard look at the people in your life. Make a list of everyone that comes to mind, but only the ones who’s names you can actually remember.
2. Next decide if each person (most consistently) lifts you up or brings you down. Even if it’s a 50/50 split, write that down beside their name. Be honest. It’s important.
3. Finally, (this will be the toughest part, but I know that you’re strong enough to work through it) I want you to think about your interactions with these people, how you talk to and treat them, what kinds of things you talk to them about. If it’s a lengthy list, focus on your top 15 or 20.

The first thing I’d like to point out here is that YOU are the common denominator in all of the above. So I’d like you to go inside yourself and answer this question: How do you treat yourself? Do you love you? Do you say nice things to yourself? Do you treat yourself like the Queen or King you know you are?

The reason the answer to this question is so important is because how you talk to and treat yourself shows other people how to behave with you. They take their lead from what they see you doing. The same way that they will mirror your behavior when interacting with you. As the saying goes, misery loves company. If you keep it positive and upbeat, most of the time, they will do the same. And you always have a choice to begin, maintain or end a relationship. Don’t tell yourself a story about any of them that doesn’t serve you. I’m not giving you the go-ahead here to be mean and thoughtless when you make these decisions either. You can’t blame some chick on the internet whose blog you stumbled across for your choice of words or actions. No friend, that’s yours to own. Choose wisely.

We all have our people. The ones you can count on and the ones that can count on you. Examine your relationships with them. Which category do they predominantly fall into from the second assignment above? Over the last year, I have made serious efforts to keep the yuck factor at bay. Some days it’s an easy task. Others have me reaching for a wine bottle. I’ve taken some long looks at the type of people I surround myself with. The natural conclusion that I’ve come to is that I’m happiest when I’m surrounded with happy people. The more unavailable I became for the people that were wearing me down, the more they took it elsewhere. When I did come face to face with (or answered a call from one of) the negative nellies, I instituted boundaries. If a conversation was going sideways and was sucking the energy out of me, I ended it. Over time, those particular people stopped coming to me for certain things. They chose to adhere to my boundaries. The ones that didn’t like it stopped showing up all together. You need to understand that your mental well-being is so much more important than whether or not someone likes you. You need to protect it. Generally speaking (and I’m sure the science actually exists to back this up) when your mental health is in the toilet, your physical health follows suit. Negative emotions, words and actions are like parasites. And they feed on one another.

When you are in a negative headspace, it feels almost as if the universe is conspiring against you. And I can understand why you feel that way. Wanna know a secret? You’re doing it to yourself. If you’ve ever read any of my previous work, you know how the universe works. You get back what you put out. So if all you’re doing is brewing shit storm after shit storm, guess what’s headed your way? Mmhmm. You guessed it. And I can say with absolute certainly (and perhaps a bit of crude experience) that it will rain down hard.

Everything you tell yourself has the power to be true, it comes down to how much you truly believe it. Every single statement you make, either out loud or in your head has the ability to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. That’s the way your life has come to be. If you tell yourself something enough times, you’ll begin to believe it. Once you believe it, you create it. Good or bad, ugly or beautiful, there it will be. Don’t forget that you always get exactly what you ask for.

Do the work above. Be with those who challenge you and inspire you to be better than your best. Go on a negativity fast. Spend less time with the energy vampires and more time with the daylight, happiness dwellers. I give you full permission to filter out the unhealthy relationships that are lurking in the corner. You deserve better. Your world deserves to be better. Do it for you because you are so worth it.