Figuring Out Forgiveness

A wise person once told me that forgiveness has absolutely nothing to do with anyone but you. I smiled politely like I was buying it, but I thought she was bananas. How could that be? As it turns out, she was more than a little right.

Since I started my focus on personal growth, I have discovered a number of things. First off, it’s ACTUAL work. Like hard work. It is a lifelong commitment to being better than I was the day before. Secondly, I have picked up and carried a few grudges along the way. Ugghh. The shit part is that I wasn’t even aware that I was doing it. The shittier part is that because I’ve been carrying it around with me, it’s taken up room that should have been given to something much more meaningful. In order to free up that space and to lighten my proverbial load, I need to let it go. And in order to do that, I need to make forgiveness a practice instead of a concept I roll my eyes at.

To forgive means to stop feeling anger toward/about or to stop blaming. Ok. Cool. Before you can even begin to forgive someone who has (in your opinion) done you wrong/is wrong/whatever, you need to start with you. What comes to mind when you think about times that you’ve gotten mad at yourself? For anything. You see, we take events from our past (in this context past is defined as anything before THIS moment) where we (in our opinion) have totally screwed up or failed or fallen short and use them to create a narrative that not only doesn’t serve us, it slowly takes us apart. Once those stories have been created, we file them away in our mind to be pulled out and used by our ego when whatever is happening is making us feel a similar way. Your ego uses it as evidence to keep control and keep you in check. Sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? But think about it. This is how it happens. And then we begin the process of beating ourselves up because the outcome didn’t match our expectations so we create this angry grudge that somehow justifies our feelings and reactions and we carry it with us. Our egos are crazy smart. But with awareness, we are smarter.

Part of my self-care/self-love journey is about creating more awareness, both internally and externally. I’m not going to get too into this today, but it brought about a really powerful practice for me. When I’m in that spiral of self-loathing and name-calling stemming from (more often than not) fear, I ask myself this question: Would I say this to my child? Would I say this to another person? Obviously the answer is no. So if I wouldn’t say it to anyone else, why on earth am I saying it to myself?? Forgive yourself for what you’ve done/not done, for who you think you are and who you believe you’re not. Forgive yourself for saying yes, no, maybe. Promise yourself that because you know better now that you will do a better job. Keep that promise.

The act of forgiveness is one of the greatest things you can (and should) do for yourself. The weight it removes from your heart is big time. It feels like the clouds are parting and the sun is breaking through. But start with you. Nothing and no one else will matter if you don’t clear that up first.

For the longest time, I believed that in order to forgive someone it meant you were okaying or approving of whatever had happened. Or didn’t happen, depending on your situation. I thought that forgiving someone meant that you were just going to deal with it and put it away. In the event you were unaware, THAT is where the grudge forms. And this is where we have it all wrong.

Most people are so unaware of how their words/actions/behaviour affect people around them. I see it all the time.
And then there are those that are completely aware, but just don’t care. Consequences be damned.

Forgiveness does not excuse anything. It prevents it from darkening your heart. Choosing to forgive someone doesn’t mean you are excusing what’s gone on, it means that you love YOURSELF enough to release your feelings around it. When we choose to forgive, it’s not because we are right or wrong. We do it because staying angry/hurt/frustrated/insert-verb-here robs us of our personal joy and happiness. It’s not for anyone but you.

Holding onto feelings and things that don’t serve you doesn’t make you strong. It doesn’t make you mightier or a martyr. It makes you bitter. Forgiveness doesn’t make you weak. It sets you free.