Learning How To Show Up

I often start writing, get a good way through and inevitably stop. I start questioning everything I’ve just written and I just freeze. I get self conscious. I get nervous. I don’t want to be too exposed. Too opinionated, too soft, too loud, too quiet, too sad, too happy, too honest, too much. And then, at the same time, not enough. Sometimes, in the midst of trying to get it all out of my head, I just lose the message I was trying to work out. 

I’ve spent (wasted) so much of my life in this space, the great debate of too much or not enough. I’ve spent years of my life wondering how I fit in different spaces. I’ve lain awake at night, replaying old scenes in my head. The ones where you feel like you said or did something stupid and it just…haunts you. I can legitimately recall awkward moments from 10+ years ago and still feel ready to melt from embarrassment. And then I wonder if other people go through this too. I mean, I can’t seriously be the only one…can I?

We talk about authenticity and showing up as who we actually are but we live in a time where reality is perception and perception is curated. Created. Is that still real somehow? We are shown exactly what the people we watch want us to see. It’s rare for someone to spin the camera and show their mess. And I don’t necessarily mean an actual mess. Everyone has their own version of mess. Mess is real. Mess is relatable. A life or person without mess doesn’t exist. People struggle. People thrive. I believe you can’t have one without the other, like two sides of the same coin. I certainly believe that you can’t appreciate one without the other. 

If you are who you say you are, why do you need to talk about being authentic? That’s the other piece for me…the ones who are just out there doing the damn thing that feels good and right to them are just doing it. They’re not preaching about authenticity because they don’t need to. You can feel it. You can see it. The same way you know when someone isn’t being their authentic self because you feel that. In their real life and online presence. Your intuition can sense it every time.

I don’t have anything all figured out, but I’m trying. I’m showing up in the spaces that feel good, even if I don’t always want to. I’ll never know what works if I don’t check it out. So I show up as whatever I need to be. Nervous. Exposed. Too opinionated. Too soft. Too loud. Too quiet. Too sad. Too happy. Too honest. But always just right somehow. I know (am trying to remember) that someone’s inability to accept me for who and what I am doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with me. It doesn’t have to mean anything at all. 

It might be time to stop worrying. It’s such a waste. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying “What other people think of me is none of my business”. It’s true and it truly shouldn’t matter. The only thing that really matters is what I think. It matters how I choose to grow. How I decide to show up. The spaces meant for me will allow me to fit in whatever way I show up. If I don’t fit somewhere maybe it’s because I was never meant to be there.

If this makes sense for you, I hope you find some comfort knowing you’re not alone in your overthinking ways. I hope you know that you don’t need to shrink so that other people will keep you around. Those that love us will let us be whoever we need to be, wherever we need to be.

Or maybe it’s none of that. Maybe I just lost the message I was trying to work out. Maybe it is that simple.