In The Middle With Me

Today is a hard day. A late night conversation with a friend resulted in a restless night and a tough feeling morning with some sort of day ahead. You’d think by the wise ol’ age of 40 that I would know better than to enter into potentially triggering conversations at any time, let alone at 11pm. I believe in my heart of hearts that friends and family (for the most part) come into exchanges with love and the best of intentions. The tricky part of this is that their intentions are based on them and the lens through which they see the world. Not you. 

The stories we share are based on our own experiences and beliefs. And there are those that have decided that theirs are the only “right” ones. I’m the kind of person that loves to have conversations because I love to learn about people and what makes them tick. Ask any of my friends, I am a question machine and will hit you with a million of them if you’ll humour me. I may not always agree with the opinions that I hear, but I respect that everyone is different with a unique perspective and I love them where they are at. I don’t work to change their minds or influence them into seeing things my way. I LOVE THEM WHERE THEY ARE AT. Friends, we are not going to love everything about everyone and we need to find a way to get ok with that. We are not meant to be the same as each other. Could you even imagine how bland and boring this world would be? I like a cool aesthetic as much as the next gal, but I live for the splashes of hot pink in there too.

The last 18 months has had its share of challenging moments for all of us. And instead of getting better as time passes, I find that my highs aren’t as high and my valleys are dipping deeper. The people in our world seem more divided than ever and it doesn’t show any sign of changing. There are these sides that have formed and have been labeled ‘pro’ and ‘anti’ and there are so many assumptions being made. Each side feels their way is the best and only right way and those of us in the middle are left feeling pulled in different directions. Us middle folk are negatively labeled and are told that our choices (or lack thereof) are selfish and will be the demise of humanity. Sounds dramatic I know, but you should see some of the texts I get. And I haven’t ever shared anything publicly about any of this. Figure that one out. 

The influence of the media and social channels is astounding. In my best wannabe wise mom voice: “Be careful what you go out looking for. It’s easier than you think to find it.” Trouble, love, arguments, information, knowledge, challenge, spirituality, acceptance, division. It’s all out there and completely accessible at the tap of your screen. Each time you click on something, your devices and the apps remember so the next time you pop on to do some poop-time scrolling, technology guesses that you’re going to want the same info as last time so all the things that swirl through your head shows up on the screen in front of you. It becomes an addictive, self-fulfilling prophecy that fuels your rightness. Anytime I want to see ads for a product, I talk about it for a day or 2 and magically it comes up in my ‘things I might be interested in’. Ahhh technology.

These days, it’s not uncommon for me to wash away my tears and worries in the shower or pause outside by the recycle bin in an attempt to compose myself. I have warred with myself on exactly how much to say because I know some of the people who read this and I’m uncertain what the potential fallout is going to be. I’m reminded of the saying “When you stand for nothing, you will fall for everything.” So I’m taking a stand for me and middleness. I don’t need or want your approval or opinion, but I would like you to trust that I am doing the absolute best I can. I focus on doing the next right thing, making the next right choice. I don’t always get it right, but I am doing my best. If you don’t like it, #sorrynotsorry. I don’t have the mental capacity to worry about what you think about me.

I am struggling to feel right in this world. I’m struggling to tell people the things they need to hear from me. I’m struggling to share anything about any of the decisions I’ve made to this point. I’m struggling to stand up for myself. I am struggling to figure out what the next right thing is because there is so much shit flying around that I don’t even know what the right thing looks like anymore. I’m struggling to not tell people to fuck off when they ask a question and get an answer they don’t like. I’m struggling to put words together to answer questions that shouldn’t be asked. There is no safe space for me and those like me during this time. I’ve been told that my middleness means I don’t have a right to feel conflicted.

When did choosing time and education become such a hot button issue? Why is it a bad thing to want to make the best decision for myself and my family? Is it because my process makes you uncomfortable? Is it because it’s different than what you’ve decided? Or is it because you think I’m being an idiot? Either way none of it actually has anything to do with me. You are seeing me and my middleness through your lens and that’s why I don’t make sense to you. This place I am in obviously isn’t meant for you. I applaud you for doing the right thing for you. I am so freaking PROUD of you for showing up in the best way for you and your family. So why is the same courtesy not returned?

I have had this conversation multiple times a day for weeks now. I’ve been told I’m selfish and stupid. I’ve had eyes rolled at me. I’ve been called names. I’ve had people cancel plans with me and I’ve been passive-aggressively talked about in a group chat that I’m a member of. I am emotionally, physically and spiritually exhausted. 

Be kind friends. You truly never know what someone else is up against. And, for the love of this world and everything in it, if you can’t be kind just be quiet.