I’m Sorry

I have this friend. She is one of the kindest, fun-spirited women I know. She has a way of commanding attention when she enters a room. If you need something, she will come running armed with whatever the occasion calls for. She is a wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter, auntie. We haven’t always had mad love for each other, but a few years and a trip out east introduced me to someone I’ll never live without. Who on earth would invite someone to stay with them for a few days when the last time we laid eyes on each other we couldn’t stand each other? My friend, that’s who. She has such a big heart for everyone and everything she loves. I can’t imagine my life without her and would walk to the end of the earth for her.

Her world changed dramatically last month when she lost her mom rather suddenly. I remember getting the call and I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me, which is nothing compared to what she was and is going through. Her life will be forever different without her mom. As it is with most people, they didn’t always see eye to eye, but the love between a mother and her daughter is inexplicable. They can share more in a glance than can ever be expressed with words. My heart has broken for her over and over again because I can’t even begin to understand how her heart and mind are aching.

I’m no stranger to loss. There was a year in the not-so-distant past that I went to more funerals than I did birthday parties. When you lose someone close to you, one of the hardest things to cope with when you’re grieving is people. People you know, people you don’t, it doesn’t really matter, it’s all hard. There’s the “How are you doing” head tilt, the half smile they offer. A quick hug, sad eyes, the arm rub. To me, those particular acts are more for the person doing them, a show of support I guess. When you’re on the receiving end of the head tilt, you respond with the 2x slight head nod, slight shrug and say “Oh you know, as well as can be expected.” It’s a super common exchange that takes place and feels awkward from both sides. Mostly because people don’t know what to say to or do with someone who is sad. When I get asked that question, it’s seriously all I can do not to ask, “Do you really want to know or do you want me to give you the easy answer I can bet you’re hoping for?”

No one is at fault. I truly believe that they ask out of compete respect and compassion and because they are attempting to connect with you in an excruciating moment of pain. Here’s the answer that’s not being shared: I’m awful. My world has been completely ripped apart and I’m trying helplessly to piece it back together when I can actually see through the tears. I’m not sleeping which is weird because I’m so freaking exhausted ALL THE TIME. I haven’t eaten in two days because every time I try to, I cry so hard I throw it all up. When I’m not crying my eyes out, I’m furious with everyone and everything. I’ve had a headache for a week and even Advil can’t take the edge off anymore. I want to stay in my room under my blankets and never come out, but I can’t because I’m a parent/spouse/(insert applicable title here) and I have responsibilities that need my attention. I need to be strong for the people I love, but the truth is I’m struggling like hell to put one foot in front of the other right now. There is so much to do, but I don’t know where to start and I’m not even sure I want to care about any of that right now. I’m worried that I’m going to feel like a mess forever because I can’t believe that this is even my life now. I’m not ready to live without them, there should have been so much more time. I’m pissed with the world because NO ONE BUT ME SEEMS TO SEE ANYTHING ANY DIFFERENT. I’m 10 seconds from entering into nervous breakdown mode. I’m not doing okay, I’m not just sad. I’m having to rebuild my life and the things I do every day. I don’t want familiarity because with that comes more tears. I want someone to lie to me and tell me that this is all just a bad dream and I’ll wake up any second. I want people to stop telling me they’re sorry because it makes me crazy. I’m falling apart.

I can’t speak for anyone else, so here are the types of things I would appreciate hearing. And bonus points if you’re sincere and you actually mean them. Tell me you love me, that you’re with me through this (even the ugly stuff) because when you tell me you’re here for me I feel like that means that you want me to tell you when I need something. I’m not going to do that. Talk to me about anything except what’s happening. I need some sort of sweetness to grasp onto like a life preserver because I’m drowning right now. Show up at my house and take me to a movie. Or bring a bottle (okay a couple bottles) of wine over and a comedy and get drunk with me and laugh at silly things. Not for dinner because I can’t carry on a conversation right now and if you’re depending on me for that, count on a lot of silence. I can barely put my socks on right let alone string words together in the hope that they make some sort of sense. Please don’t tell me about what happened to you when you lost someone important unless I ask. It’s not that I don’t care, it’s that I’m not ready for that yet. Let me be quiet. It’s okay if I am, you don’t get to take that personally because this isn’t about you. Just hug me, no words. And let me be the one to let go first.

Grief doesn’t just go away. It’s something that is handled as it happens. When someone close to you moves on to their next life, the world doesn’t stop. And things don’t get easier with time. We just learn how to live a different way. The memories of those we have loved and lost stay with us in each moment of each day and we learn how to function in a new way. It’s awkward and uncomfortable at first, but all change is.

To my friend and anyone that has lost someone they love, let me say I’m sorry for being cliché when I didn’t know what to say. I’ve learned and I will do and be better. I won’t ask how you’re doing because I can see and hear it clear as day. I will be with you. I will call you, I will come see you. I will do the best I can and feel free to giggle at me when I say something incredibly inappropriate because we both know I will. Know that I love and appreciate you. No more head tilts, but I’ll be coming at you with a bear hug. And when you have a hard time putting one foot in front of the other, I’ll be there to piggyback you and get you where you need to go.

I know that you have gotten through some awful days and I realize that there are some tough ones still ahead. I believe in you and know that we can figure out a new normal for you together. The sun may not be as shiny right now, but look for that bright new star in the night’s sky. It has what you’re looking for.

And most of all, find happiness in the memories you have. Think of them often so the details stay sharp. I promise it won’t always be so hard to find your smile. Love you sweet girl xo