Today

Dear oldest child of mine,

Today you hurt my feelings. I know you likely didn’t mean to, but it happened. If it’s ok, I’d like to take a few minutes and explain to you what it’s like to be a mom.

You were my first for so many things. You were my first child which means you made me a mommy for the first time. You were the first crying baby I had to figure out how to help stop crying. You were the first child to fall asleep on my chest. You were the first (and only) child that had me sleeping sitting up with you on my chest for three months to help work thru the colic. You were the first child I rushed to the emergency room when you had a fever so bad I couldn’t control it. You were the first child I ever saw have a seizure and because I didn’t know what was happening, you were the first child I was terrified I would lose. You were the first tiny human I saw take her first steps and the first I ever potty trained. You were the first one to get a hold of diaper cream and attempt to change her own bum. You were the first babe I walked to school and after a few tears and a big hug, you were the first one I had to let go of so you could begin to make your own mark on this world. You were the one that taught me just how far I would go to defend you when you were being bullied. Yours are the first tears I ever wiped when you and your friend had a fight and you thought that meant you wouldn’t be friends any more.

I could spend hours listing all our firsts for the ones above are just a tiny snapshot of the firsts we’ve had over our years together. We are about to embark on yet another first and this one will definitely have some bumps in store for the both of us. Each of my littles is special to me, but you being the first is important to acknowledge for so many reasons.

I knew from a very young age that I wanted to be a mom. There was something about it that seemed right for me. I made some choices in my teenage years that almost prevented it, but then, there you were. I spent most of my pregnancy and the first couple years of your life terrified of everything. It doesn’t matter how many books you read or how much advice you take from other parents, nothing adequately prepares you for what motherhood brings to the table.

The constant internal dilemma: Am I making the best choice for her? And to be honest, almost 12 years later, while the question has changed slightly, the war wages on. Now the questions look more like this: Have I taught her how to make good choices? Do I do too much for her? Am I not doing enough? I’ve come to learn that it is always going to be a balancing act and things will continue to need adjustment. It’s learning as we go because this is unchartered territory to us both.

I see a lot of shares on social media about parenting wins, learnings and losses. There was once one titled “What Your Mom Never Told You” (not sure who wrote it originally) and it had these points:
– You made her cry. A lot.
– She too wanted that last cookie.
– Yes, it hurt.
– She was always afraid.
– She knows she’s not perfect.
– She watched you as you slept.
– She carried you a lot longer than 9 months.
– It broke her heart every time you cried.
– She always put you first.
– She’d do it all over again.

They’re all true, but there are a few more that I’d like to add:
– Your needs are always met before mine.
– There are times I do without so I can do for you.
– As I watch you do the things you love, my heart fills with so much love that it brings tears to my eyes.
– You can be a real asshole to me, but I still love you.
– I notice everything. When you try different hairstyles, wear mismatched socks. I see it all. And you always put yourself together beautifully.
– I can tell how your day has been by how you get into the car after school. Your eyes will give you away every time.
– I have feelings.
– I do my best.
– I show up every single day.
– I know I don’t understand, just like my mom didn’t understand. But I will try. And I want to help.
– I’m always going to ask how your day was. No, I’m not being nosy. I’m being your mom. I like to talk to you.
– Regardless of how many times we argue or fight over the stupid insignificant things, I won’t love you any less. I will love you just as much at the end of our disagreement as I did when it started. And sometimes, I’ll love you even more.
– I know you don’t need me for everything. That doesn’t mean I’ll stop offering. You may say no to a lot of things, but somewhere sometime, there will be a yes.
– You’re a lot like me and while I find it both awesome and incredibly frustrating, know that it’s a good thing. I promise you’ll see it someday.
– I don’t forget the things you’ve said. Remember that although you may not be able to see it, hurtful words leave a scar.
– Sometimes when you’re not watching, I cry. It’s because I’m a human being. I cry tears of happiness, sadness and anger. I wish I was brave enough to let you see that more often.
– The best stuff is happening all around you. I remember hearing so much when I was growing up that the best was yet to come. I think that the best happens all around us every day. It comes in the form of friends, sunshine, snow, smiles, lessons and so much more. Live in the moment.
– You are beautiful. Don’t let anyone make you believe any different.
– I love and appreciate you.
– I’ve got your back.

Don’t be sorry. Be better. Do better.

Love, Mom xo