The War Within

It’s been quite some time since I last wrote something I thought was worthy of sharing. When I get overwhelmed, the noise upstairs seems to cloud everything and I end up in a bit of an emotional spiral of confusion and nothing seems to make a whole lot of sense. It takes some time to sort through it all, but I do get there. And the good news is that as I learn new techniques, the period of time from noise to spiral to completion keeps getting shorter.

It’s not easy to be yourself nowadays. Most people are more comfortable if you fit into a certain slot because then they can figure out how to figure you out. Since I was little (well young I guess because I’m not getting any taller and I get called little a LOT), fitting into someone else’s idea of who and what I should be made me uncomfortable, it seemed unnatural to me. As I hit the teen years, all around me I could see people who were desperate to just fit in somewhere with someone. I thought that was what you were supposed to do so I spent years trying to fit in and, as expected, it just about ruined me. Around others, I got really good at saying what was expected, acting like it was cool and natural and behaving the way every one else did. It was all about how many people liked me, how many “friends” I had. Sadly, in some of those formative years, your social status is dependent upon how many friends you have and who they are. As humans, we all have a desire to be accepted and if that means that we adopt certain social conventions to make that happen, we do it. It happens every single day.

It’s taken me a lot of time, patience, frustration, reading, learning, meditation and acceptance to get to today. By no means have I arrived, but I’ve figured a few things out about myself along the way. I like to think that on the outside, I appear like I have my shit together most days. For the minor stuff, I suppose I do. It’s inside where the war rages on. I’ve dealt with anxiety and depression on and off for many years and when this new year started, I made the decision that I no longer wanted to take that baggage with me into my future. Just dump it in 2016 and move onwards and upwards. Easy right? Yeah. Sure it is.

Last year was a tough one for me emotionally, spiritually and mentally. Smiling on the surface, I went through my days desperate to find some meaning in who I was and what I was doing with my life. I was feeling like I had been treading water for far too long and I wasn’t happy. I kept asking myself Is this the best it’s ever going to be for me? There are so many things that bring me joy in my day to day life (things that seem tedious and monotonous to some) that I love whole heartedly. But through all those incredible moments, I began to feel like I was losing myself. I was a mother, wife, sister, entrepreneur, daughter, friend, all titles I wear like badges of honor because they really are! When I was in new situations, I found that I was introducing myself as Little Dude/Dancer Girl/Free Spirit’s Mom, Sir Handsome’s Wife, Rockstar’s Downline/Sideline. I was never me. Can anyone else relate to that?

As I began to explore those feelings, I discovered a few pretty shocking things. A lot of what we do or don’t do comes ultimately down to how we feel about ourselves. When we decide what action to take, we operate from 1 of 4 motivation categories: Obligation, Perfection, Fear or Choice. Of these 4, the first 3 aren’t sustainable for anyone. You tire out, avoid the action and then feel guilt about it, rebel over the choice you made and finally recommit to take action and guess what happens? Same cycle all over again. Exhausting, right? It’s a lot of the reason why people say they’re so busy all the time, but this tends to be the cycle most people follow. And the crazier piece of that is that most of the time, you don’t even realize you’ve made the decision to navigate your days this way. When you operate from a position of Choice, you feel a desire to take action, you have energy around what you want and where you’re going, you embrace your decision to move forward. When you are motivated by choice, your feelings come from an “I GET to, I WANT to, I CHOOSE to” place. You have found deeper value in what you’re doing and that, my friends, is sustainability at its best. The reason you feel the difference down to your core when you operate from the different motivation categories is because it changes your physiology.

As it turns out, I need to reprogram some of my nasty old self talk habits. Those little gremlins really know how to throw a wrench in a day. I was looking at my days with the wrong thoughts rolling around in my head. I had begun doing most things out of obligation, perfection and fear and once I gained some understanding around what I was constantly telling myself (without even realizing I was doing it to be honest), I could begin to make some changes.

I realized that if I spoke to others the way I had been talking to myself, I’d be a pretty lonely girl. I started paying attention to the things I was saying to myself and if I was having a negative self talk moment, I wrote it down. The way I work is that if I write it down, it’s out of my head and I can let it go. Well, that’s a work in progress, but I’ll get there. At the end of the day, I’d take a look at all the bullshit thoughts I had written down and in a cute little notebook I wrote down another list of nicer things to replace them with. Then I took my shit list and put it through the shredder. If I had an actual wood burning fire place, I’d have tossed it in there, but the shredder did a great job.

In the midst of reconnecting with my authentic self, I have rediscovered the love I have for my passions. I have reconnected with my purpose. Through reading, writing, meditation and conversations with some incredible people, I have learned that I am enough. I deserve love, respect, compassion. It’s ok for me to allow people in, especially when they’ve earned that right. And it’s necessary to accept their love. Yes I’m a bit of a slow learner. Baby steps, friends. Baby steps.

The battles I have are all won and lost in my head. I can get lost up there if I allow myself to do so. My advice (take it or don’t, your call) is to be gentle with people. I’m sure you’ve heard the famous quote from Plato: Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle you know nothing about. My battles happen inside and they’re personal to me, the same way yours are personal to you. We all need to remember that not everything can be fixed by expressing your never-ending opinions. There is so much good done when we choose to listen more than we talk.

And when all else fails, you do you and I’ll do me.