One Foot In Front Of The Other

Today a Facebook memory popped up, reminding me that I originally wrote and posted this piece 3 years ago. It made me sad, nostalgic, wistful…I miss her as much as ever. I wish she could be here to experience life, see her baby girls growing into beautiful young ladies. She’d be so proud of them.

In honor of her memory and her legacy, I want to share this again. One moment on one day changed me. Never discount the effect your love and kindness can have on someone. You may never know what it did for them, but I guarantee that they will never forget.

This one is for you, my beautiful angel. Miss and love you always xo

I will be the first to admit that although I’ve tried to keep this whole situation at bay inside my head, I’ve been failing miserably. I haven’t found a way to express my feelings or thoughts with adequacy…I feel as though if I don’t do or say it right, I will perhaps be doing her an injustice. And I won’t be able to cope with something like that. So instead I’ve focused on putting one foot in front of the other, making it through the days. This person…was so incredible and special to me that I need to make sure I say this right. By the time I actually post this, I will most likely have gone through 2 dozen versions.

A month ago, heaven gained a beautiful new angel. This lovely soul was a wife to one, a mother to 3 and a friend to many. She was a daughter, a sister, a niece, an aunt. For the purpose of this piece, I’m going to talk about what she was to me because I can’t speak for any others. I’m sure each will attest to the fact that she was special and the connection they had with her was unique to them.

I met this curly haired beauty on a cool September morning when Miss H was starting kindergarten. For those that don’t know me, I am painfully shy in the beginning, but if you can work with me the first few times we meet, it gets better. I was standing outside the kindergarten doors, watching my daughter play with her friends and waiting for the bell to ring. There were a bunch of other parents milling about and I would smile at them from time to time, but, being the new “kid” (ie. everyone else seemed to know each other) around, I wasn’t about to approach anyone. There were a few moms in particular that I noticed right away and I closed my eyes and thought for a moment how nice it would be to go over and say hello and not be standing by myself. All of a sudden the bell rang and I snapped out of my thoughts as the kiddies went into the school and each of us parents walked back to our cars, ready to get our day started.

This is how it went for a number of days and I fell into a pattern: pack the little into the car to take the not-so-little to school, wait for the bell then head out to run errands and do mom stuff. Now I’m not complaining, I love my life, even grocery shopping with a cranky toddler.

One morning as Miss H was playing outside the kindergarten doors and P was toddling around checking the world out, a curly haired woman walked over to me with such determination that I wanted to run and hide.

“Hi! I’m S. I’m T’s mom!” And she pointed over at a little cutie that Miss H was running around with. “You’re H’s mom, right?”

“Uh, hi. Yes I am.” I replied shyly, not really sure what else to say.

I should mention at this point that the mornings were getting a little chilly. This prompted her next comment: “I walk T to the doors every morning and I see your other daughter is pretty tiny so if you want H to walk up with me and T, just wave me down in the parking lot!” All I could do was nod and say thanks, that I really appreciated that. Living in the prairies, I’ve still not grown accustomed to the temperatures. I’m pretty sure I was created to live somewhere much warmer.

“Come meet some of my friends. You look lonely over here all by yourself and no one should have to be alone.” That one statement from her was the beginning of a friendship that I would not begin to understand the value of until much, much later.

She introduced me to a few people, but the one who stood out to me was J. At the time, she was friendly, but I wasn’t entirely sure about her. A few times over the years, I would feel as though I was out of place but little did I realize that just 5 short years later, she would be one of my very best friends. She would become my rock, my sounding board and someone whom I admire so much. She would be someone that would change my life and my path. But more on her in a future blog.

In the mornings that followed, I would walk my daughter to her door, standing with S, J and other moms, chatting while we waited for that bell to ring. Nothing truly remarkable was ever really discussed, but I started to feel as though I was part of something. It’s hard to explain, but the relationships that I was developing with these 2 women in particular was so different than anything I had ever experienced.

Time went on and we all blossomed. There were breakfast or coffee dates after the kids were dropped off at school. Chats at the school, sometimes over the phone. Grade 1 came, our girls were all in the same class and they would fight like sisters. As moms, we would talk about it, roll our eyes over the girl drama and move on. I learned more about them and my relationship with each of them grew.

She was like no one else I had ever met. She had this way of making you feel like the most important person on the planet when she was with you or talking to you. She was intensely focused and just seemed to know what to do and what to say in every situation. She taught me so much in our conversations and I don’t think she even realized it.

I find it difficult to put into words what she meant to me. Over the next couple years there would be countless giggles, smiles, eye rolls. Her zest for life and people was infectious and I treasured every moment.

At one point she and her family moved away for a year and to be honest, the distance was nothing. We’d FaceTime with the kids, text back and forth. It just seemed to make us stronger. They’d come home for quick visits and we always picked up right where we left off. I remember the day she called me to tell me they were coming home and I was so excited to welcome them back. The memory makes me smile now.

My kids called her auntie. I remember standing in her kitchen one afternoon and P came in looking for auntie. She winked at me and said, “I told them to call me that. Hope it’s okay?” I laughed and said of course because I thought that was awesome. I had always hoped for my kids to have aunties and uncles in the form of special people who may not be a blood relation, but were the families we had chosen for ourselves. I had hoped to be one of those aunties. And I was. Next thing I knew, her girls were calling me auntie. I’m lucky to say that they still do and I hope they always will! Someday our kids will realize how special and rare people like this are. These special aunties and uncles don’t love us because they have to, they love because they choose to.

There were so many times that I would get a random text from her telling me she loved me or that she was sending hugs and kisses to the kids. I go through my phone now, reading those messages. I smile, I cry and wish I would have had more time. Truth be told, with friends like her, even forever wouldn’t have been long enough.

Eventually, there will come a time when my memories of her don’t fill me with sadness or regret. The smiles and laughs will return and I’ll be able to get through the day without dissolving into a hot mess.

I see her girlies now and I see so much of her in them. I see her when they smile, the twinkle in their eyes when they’re being funny or mischievous and I hear her when they tell me stories. They each have a wonderful piece of my incredible friend embedded within them. She was an amazing mother and I will spend time as they get older helping them understand the impact their beautiful mother made on this world and the people in it.

I admired her confidence and the way she carried herself. She barely scratched 5 feet tall, but seemed to be 10 feet tall all the time. And her strength…wow. She was an advocate for her family, her friends. If you needed anything, she was one of the first to offer.

One of my favorite memories was from when she had moved away. I got a text late one Saturday night that said “Talk now?” And seconds later, before I could even answer her message, my phone rang. She was sad and lonely and needed a heart to heart. So we talked. About everything and anything. There was no topic left untouched that evening and man alive did we laugh. About everything. And then we cried. She needed a hug and I needed a hug. So we just kept talking. It was real, honest and raw. Finally after 3 hours, she was feeling less lonely and more like herself. Our friendship was different, stronger now and the connection that we were privileged enough to share had been cemented. She could have called anyone, but that day, she chose me. Before the love you’s and blown kisses and wishes for the sweetest of dreams she said something to me that I will never forget. She said, “Thank you so much. I needed you and all this. Thank you for being exactly who you are. Please don’t ever change. I appreciate it all and I’m lucky to have you in my life. I love you tons and miss you so much.” And there it was.

There are so many memories that are vivid in my mind and they will live there, stored carefully so I can I pull them out when I need to. From chatting at school to standing in her kitchen helping prep for birthday parties to phone calls and text messages to hugs and smooches. They’re all there.

Even through the tough parts of the last year, her strength shone through. The determination in her eyes was still there. We were all counting on a miracle. On the days I couldn’t see her, I made sure to reach out with a simple text to let her know she was on my mind, to see if there was anything I could do to help. While some will remain forever unanswered, I know she could feel the strength I was sending. When I would go to see her, she would ask me to rub her back or tell her stories about what was happening. I would show her pictures and videos, my kids would send hand drawn pictures for her to decorate her space. More and more memories to add to my collection.

She was funny, humble, thoughtful, loud, proud, fierce, passionate, loyal, loving, open….the list goes on and on. I am thankful every single day that fate crossed our paths.

My heart aches with the pain of this loss. One of the last conversations I had with her, we were planning shopping trips, mulling over a girl’s trip to Vegas. We both knew as the words were said that those things wouldn’t likely happen, but to giggle and plan was amazing. And it was an incredibly special moment for us. I’ll never forget it. She was leaning back against her pillows and I was sitting cross-legged at the foot of her bed and we were holding hands, talking, planning and laughing our asses off. And without knowing it was happening, I started to cry. I felt like such a shit. I mean, who was I to cry in front of her, at a time like this? But she had told me to be exactly who I was and this was me. We snuggled together in her hospital bed and cried together. For the unfair path that was ahead of her, for the unjust way it was all playing out. We just cried. And when we were done, we shared a giant hug and just sat there, holding each other. I held her face, looked into her eyes and told her I loved her. I told her how amazing she was and I thanked her for changing my life. She laughed, rolled her eyes at me and said, “I’m the one who should be thanking you. Know how much I love you and know that you’ll always be in my heart.” I squeezed my eyes shut and held onto her. I thanked my lucky stars for the time I had been fortunate enough to get.

Every single minute of every single day, I wish I had gotten more time with her. I want shopping dates, a girl’s trip to Vegas, dinner dates with families, camping and vacations, more silly conversations over wine, beer and vodka. I wish I could have known more about her. I often find myself jealous of the people that had known her longer than me and those who knew her favorite things….they are so lucky….and then I remember to be grateful for the time I had because there are some that will never know her. And then I start to cry.

I think often of her husband and children. My heart reaches out to them to offer love, strength, kindness and support. I know how challenging this is for me, but it’s nothing compared to what they are trying to cope with. To each of them, I promise to do everything I can to help in whatever way you need. I want them to know that they are not alone. My heart, arms, ears and door are open whenever you need.

She is the warm sunshine on a cool day. An unexpected rainbow in the sky. A breeze across your cheek. She is in the million tears that have rolled down my cheeks. She is the smile in a happy memory. She is a legacy that will live on in hearts and stories shared between friends, old and new. She is the twinkle of a star in the sky.

If you close your eyes, you can see her smile and her crazy curly hair. You can feel her lips as she kisses your cheeks and her arms squeeze you as she hugs you. You can hear her laugh and it makes you smile. For that one moment, the world seems okay, the pain is absent and you feel like you can breathe. And everything is as it should be.

My gorgeous S, I often wonder if you can read minds now, hahaha! If you can, you already know how much I love you and how proud I am of you. You were and will continue to be a difference maker and my life was made richer because you took one small moment to invite me to not be alone. May you be awarded health, happiness and peace because you have earned it. You have altered the lives of so many and I will spend a lifetime being grateful to you for one simple act of kindness. I promise to never let anyone stand alone. You are truly the definition of one-in-a-million.

Sleep well my lovely.

Love you always xo